god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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