My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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