I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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