so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
