this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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