We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
