just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
