Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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