I think im going to throw up on grandma
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
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