he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
