hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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