sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
