I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Randomize
