one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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