im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Randomize
