1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Your dad touched me again.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
