Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
