When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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