So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
