i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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