i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
No more Irish car bombs ever.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
