Where are you?
In a non slutty way
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
