The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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