i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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