:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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