You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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