I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize