You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
