just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
