My ? Is...... Would it be sweet or creepy to take a girl on a first date to chigago?
creepy.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize