I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
