i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
do herpes really smell.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
