Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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