Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
