You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
