swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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