a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize