and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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