i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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