Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize