Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
