onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
