Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
