I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
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