I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
