He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
