This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
