Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
handjob tips. give me some.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
