If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
