the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize