i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
