Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize