don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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