tell your sister to shave her snatch
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
