He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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