I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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