I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
