she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
