Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
