when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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